Serendipity

Been busy..been to the coast today..Whitby..got a few nice pics..very tired...need...sleep.. :oops:

well firstly I can say thankyou for your comments lilstorm and Cyberpal...I only know that it was you because I had a friend check seeing as I still cant do that!...Cant post links either..

Anyway..I heard about the Womens unit in Durham prison closing...This is a high security unit for the likes of Rose West. Some inspector has decided that its over crowded and depressing..lol..AND..6 women prisoners have comitted suicide in the past 18 months there. Well Im sorry but really!...should prisons be as welcoming and equiped as they are?...Personaly it makes me mad to think of women like Rose West enjoying the kind of luxaries many others cant afford..sure shes lost her freedom but sheesh..they have all mod cons.

And if she was ever released she would no doubt be given a new identity paid for my the likes of me. I know people will say that bad conditions are inhumane ,Im not talking about flogging or making them live on bread and water. But I do think they should have limits. After all its supposed to be a deterent!...

So this unit will close down..and the prisoners moved to other places..only to overcrowd them too.

ok rant over :evil:


oh and please excuse any bad spelling..I tend to type too fast when im angry!! :wink:

Great...bloody Tblog yet again..first i cant get in to post...now I cant read comments*sighs*...have to wait yet again..who even knows if this one will make it...

yes its me..I dont know why..I was asked..and so here it is


wow its so damn big..lol..kinda scary!! [image]TigerLilly_8093524 60.jpg[/image]

Still the words wont come!..Im stressed maybe...Ive taken to reading over some older poems..hoping for inspiration or something. Also the webcam is going so well!..I havent has such fun in ages*winks*...Really need to get in game today tho..its been a few days. Ok so I thought id tweak an old poem...its about being a mother.... My Children

You came from nothing,
I gave you my life.
Gladly, bound my soul.
The trials and tests,
You came to teach.
Of love and pain.
Did I pass my child?
As my teacher, you tell me now...

It was so hard, sudying you.
But my heart is filled with joy!
How you have changed me.
Shaped my soul with love,
Love with no reason.
I nurtured you
With my body, I gave to you.

You are my past,
I look to your future
Ever changing, growing
Hopes and heartache
Dreams, so many wants.
I dearly hope you shine.

With love I set you out,
On lifes stormy waters.
Waiting, for the moment,
When I can be your refuge,
Your shelter, protector.
Until you fly again,
Free to be...yourself

My children, as you leave ,
Know that you take a piece of me,
Always with you.
Deep inside.


Clare :wink:

Oh wow!..i just saw a really bad typo!!...in the Empty Page blog!..I said I wanted to be loved not just for being a man!!!...sheeesh!...I ment to say MAM!!!
OMG!...how embarassing!..Ill just have to figure out how to post pics to prove that IM A WOMAN!!...lol :D

Wow...music!!..thanks to oneswtladee206!!...for a really easy easy way to get music on here!...she takes requests too ..so maybe Ill decide on another song later :wink:

I do Love a new book, thick, hard backed and small enough to carry around easily should words pop into my head. If I dont get them down, well they hang around in my head forming all kinds of phrases, but not complete.
Rainbow, thats one of these rogue words, its been whispering to me,...Rainbow Girl..Rainbow Smile..Loves Rainbow,..begging for some kind of tribute, it needs to be used somehow, like it will disapear if nobody uses it. Thats how I feel today, craving attention. Its all I want, all I yearn and ache for, to be touched, held close and loved for me, not for being a man ot even a lover...just for me. To feel relaxed and secure, unworried, unguilty and definatly like I have a mind, a heart and feelings which goes with this body so many people use in so many different ways.

I lost a friend today I think, and its chilled me. I feel saddened now, sad that thingshave changed so much between us. Granted we did have an odd relationship, alot of things stopping it from becoming more than friendship. Maybe Im over reacting, I know I do that, I know I can be a drama queen. He wanted more, more than I could comfortably give, how did I miss this, the fact he had grown so fond of me?

He said I put him at the bottom of my list. He said I used him for sex when things went wrong with my lover, he said I upset him.

I know this is true

I know I neglect him

I know he feels used

But I just cant bring myself to comit, I wanted things to stay as they were. I did'nt want change.I was unyeilding and so what it seemed like he was saying he wanted all or nothing. I cant give my all, and he said goodbye. If we could stay friends that would be wonderful. I dont think it will happen. I still hope he gets in touch, we have been thru some things over this time and that something I will always remember.

Feeling this way, I usually write, but the page is filling up with usless rantings, not flowing. Im blocked, maybe talking to Matt tomorrow will help..he 'is' my baby, and he still understands how upset I get over these things. He understands me, he knows how I tease and flirt, he would never change me. I know if I put any of my close friends at the top of a list, he would be first....actually he and Bart would have to share the top spot, even tho the kind of relationships differ greatly, I love them both, just in different ways.


The early days with Matt, we both had others..other lovers, we would talk about it all the time. Things changed an I love him to bits...life is just so complex, people are..how anybody manages to get by without imploding I do not know!!

I have great friends online, as upset as I was yesterday I couldnt help but laugh at the antics of Fox and Shadi. They need to be on TV or something, I laughed so much. They brought me back up to a reasonably sane level, befor I could throw myself at poor Matt who usualy gets all my dramatic moodswings, and takes it like a man too:) I love him for that...the fact that I can go fromdancing with happyness to lying face down in a swamp and he wont bat an eyelid or freak out...or think Im crazy, hehe..he know that I am!

All my friends who put up with this crazy girl..I love them dearly.

The Toe, got broken. A few weeks ago I kicked a metal..yes I know..stupid of me....Metal gate. I broke my baby toe, a trip to x-ray confirmed my suspisions. It hurt like hell ..never..NEVER had that much pain!!..and Ive had 3 children! Anyway..stay off your feet...rest....thats what they said. and of course I didnt do that!..how the hell could I?..*sighs*.
So the upshot of it is...the toe feels much better..the rest of my foot..*laughs*..hurts now..fool!...doc says Ive been making it worse...walking on it has put too much pressure on the rest of my foot..in all the wrong places.

Playing with my new digital camera today, LOL..funny..I hate getting my pic taken..so Im so picky...Kids at school today...pretty hot too. I will do a spot of sunbathing maybe.

Well...been a reasonably good day so far..pretty warm so the kids have been playing outside. Meaning less fighting 8) Today I was tired, real tired. Up late lastnight and up early thismorning, one of the joys of motherhood. So after getting the kids dressed I thought Id do a little work on my mod..everything is going really slpw right now..maybe Im just not feeling inspired, like writing..Im facing a brick wall at the moment I need some inspiration. It will come..it always does, just have to sit it out..and watch Will and Grace..lol..which I love!.

Anyway, worked on the new area for a while..got quite a bit done befor I decided to go play online, had to get intouch with Fox to come rescue Nadia when she got turned to stone tho!...again!!..just my luck. Played some more until lunchtime.

After lunch, baby took a nap..bliss!..the other two watching tv..heaven . A little time alone waiting for Matt to come on line...which he did..bless!.

After a real nice chat we played some more, which is a little odd because Im so used to playing lilly, she is so like me, Nadia..is different..well not that much different..hehe..ok ok .back on track. Didnt leave the game until a little while ago..went to make some dinner. Actually I was thinking of going back in..maybe later after I work on the mod some more. :wink:

Still got to do house work too...oh god how I hate it!!...grrr dishes..i hate them..why cant we all eat off paper plates! :P

:wink: [LINE]

Damnit I didnt do the links right..bah..there right there anyway*points to the left* :oops:

Well its been a few days now since I posted anything!..its because Im addicted to reading everybody elses blogs!..for some reason I cant stop reading [url=]RaggedTigerUK[/url] ...lol..its so funny!...I never look at the pictures tho right..hehe. And [url=]CyberPal[/url] thats another one...seems like I get reading..cant stop and then dont have time to have a rant of my own!.
:)

So I thought I should put a little about me in here today...
Age.. well you know...hehe..Im not 33..yet!

Sex.. yes please!...oh right*chuckles*..Female

Family.. hard to say, I live with a man...who I call my partner. We are not married. We will not get married. We have..'issues'. Ok and now the nice bit..3 children. Amy, 6 Matty, 5 Beccy, 20 months. Yes very close together!..yes I was mad!...hehe..no actually they are all my angels.

Likes.. to write, rain, wind, music..all kinds. Pirates, Lollys, Playing NWN*addicted*.

Dislikes.. housework!, Organised Religion.

What I 'do' all day?...I will leave that for later..got to go eat breakfast right now.





:wink: :wink: :wink: :P

The Lake

Shimmering Orb, sphere of crystal. The moon hangs full, shades of lilac
Perched in the clear, golden sky. Birdsong echos sweetly, joyously
Across the silky water of the small lake, framed, with wonderful trees, green and gold
Standing tall, guardians of time itself

Dancing Bluebells, honey scented, heady. Glowing in the fading dusk
Willows, hanging, tremulous at the edge. Golden catkins, tugging at the girls hair
The lovers kiss once, long and slow. Beneath the twinkling dimond stars
Tumbling ruby waves, a vail to hide behind

The tiny craft, floating steady, upon the fluid lake. Dark as deepest night, cloaked
In misty ripples, the lake moves them on. His heart pounding, dipping his rich black covered head
Arms wrapping her up tight, protective. The kiss merging
They melt as one, into bliss

This dream still lives, in their hearts. Tears of sadness, crawling reluctant over creamy cheeks
Staring across the Lake, he smiles weakly. Turning the boat back
Back...to reality.....



5/04

Thank god its Thursday..almost the weekend. Now what have I done today..oh played with my blog alittle and added some things...pretty things. Talked to my sons teacher about the 'incident' yesterday...she was pretty mad too..not surprising. Wrote a little today too...not much..just ramblings. Now Im about to make 3 hungry children some thing to eat. :lol:

Dropping my two kids off at school thismorning I saw something so...very sad. On my way out of the school grounds (which is fairly big)..stood at the gate was a little girl from my sons class..(age4). Crying...now..I looked around for her mother...the class was late going in so there was only a few parents around. Oh..there is the childs mother walking in the opposit direction!..yes this woman had left her 4 year old child at the gate and went on her way!..How unbelievable!..the poor child was sobbing..I took her into the school myself..now..what if I wasnt a parent ..what if I was some weirdo who hangs about at school gates!..this woman..so called mother..didnt even stay to watch her child run down the very long path to the school!..which would have been bad enough!..mad as hell I was..how could she do that!. So upset was the little one she couldnt even talk!..its so sad that some people are this way!..I mean..she probably just thought..somebody would take her in..its irisponsible to assume others will look after your kids!
:evil:

[u]The Ice Queen Cometh[/u]

I am not touched by any
Your weak willed flames do no harm
A core of ice, a heart of stone
Immune to all your sweet charm

Painful shards of bitter ice
Frosty skin, smooth as glass
Snowy clouds of ethereal hair
Eyes of crystal blue

Sleeping, struggling, weakly beating
A heart so deeply entombed
Never to be softened
Until, great and powerful, you, find it

You will not break this frozen shell
A diamond coated soul
Protected by a sparkling dew
I exist beneath a mask, of shimmering light

Waiting, for the light
The scintillating aura, radiating
Illuminating, surrounding my champion
Glowing from his passionate heart

Release this frozen wasteland
Let is shatter, with painful lust
Raise up your flaming, throbbing blade
Infused with its dark magic’s

Shatter, splinters fly, spinning
Falling away, like ancient glaciers
Can you feel me glowing
Tiny, precious, pulsating heart

Growing with each simmering, burning thrust
Touch me with your fiery touch
Melt away this bitterness
Slowly thaw the icy pearl

Each stroke, brings me closer
Steaming, seeping liquid pain
Washing it all away
Bitterly cold air thrilling me

If you bring this snowy Queen back
Relight my deep soul within
With bright and flickery embers
Your prize will surly befit your quest

Amber

Ok so lastnight was a beautiful warm(ish) night!..I sat outside for hours writing and reading..until it got too dark. Then!..wonderful news!..Sleepy Hollow on TV!..Oh I was just thrilled..Jonny Depp and his adorable cheekbones.*laughs*..very happy ending to my night!..

I wrote so much last night..I was really pleased..the whole night seemed perfect!..Wish I could balance these moodswings..seriously!...up..down..swings and roundabouts!..ah well such is life as a woman I guess...

Now..to go buy Pirates of the Caribian!!...yay![LINE]

Raw

Give it all away, strip away the pain
This mask, the passionate pretence.
of unspoken lies
Take everything, from the outside,
And throw it all away.
Its the final time.
The dark moon soon rises,
Washing away my light,
Shadows of ones mind, push forth.
Display the void which was once my heart.
Iluminate my souless centre.
With your dusky radiance.
Keep your hands away!, dont touch me now.
I will not endorse this myth.
Its gone, my reasoning why.


Clare 4/04